If I were god...

I were god, I'd smite a lot of those people who speak in My name. They make God out to be a mean, vindictive, jealous, spiteful SOB who most thinking people wouldn't want to be stuck-with in the afterlife... not to mention that the afterlife would be one dull, dreary place filled with penitent people in hair shirts.

"heaven, heaven is a place where nothing, nothing ever happens." -The Talking Heads.

Lately you have boobs who claim to speak on behalf of some god. And they even dare to say that the mining disaster was an act of god: "God rebuked nations who only turned to Him in their most extreme moments of need." Jesus H. Christ, do you think an all-loving God would bury people alive and slowly asphyxiate them with poisonous fumes?

There is another boob, a tv host of one of the Christian Comedy Hours whose show title indicates that only 700 people will be eligible for harps and wings in this invitation-only Rapture, who claims that Hurricane Katrina was revenge against sinners by this same, exclusivist, perpetually angry Creator and that Ariel Sharon's stroke was a punishment from God himself because God has nothing better to do than medically bitch-slap Jewish politicians. Oh, and let's not forget that 9/11 happened because of the existence of liberals, homosexuals and abortionists.

We have the biggest boob of them all living in the White House who was told by this vengeful, black-tie-and-white-Protestants-only god to be the president anointed to wipe out followers of the extremist Muslim persuasion. Yet the Muslims claim that a similar type of crabby, constipated, Allah-god told them to wipe out the American Christian capitalist pigs . And let's not forget that in this religio-wrestling card Christians are pitted against Christians and Muslims against Muslims. How many different factions of Protestantism are there now? Which one is right? When is God going to pull back curtain #1 and finally tell people which religion is the one true religion and stop getting His jollies with plagues, floods, nonresponsive governments and shifty claims' adjusters?

Frankly, I'd rather worship a nice God...a happy God...a sympathetic God. Not some creep who likes to play the cosmic version of the game of Chicken. Hey, I'll send you an earthquake and let's see how many of you can survive, heh. Then I think I'll smite a bunch of stupid poor people with a tsunami while I'm at it.

I was told that when we die, we will get the answer sheet to all the questions in the universe. Yawn. It would be nice to have the answer immediately as to what happens after we die, and I imagine we would get that information readily... but it's much more heavenly for me to connect the dots once I get some facts. Will I have a full-frontal lobotomy after I die? Because that would be a necessity if god really is planning on having a cosmos full of tee-totaling, weepy puppets that wear too much eye make-up.

After all, who wants to spend all eternity worshipping some perpetually pissed-off god? That's what I was told would happen in heaven. We would do nothing but praise the lord, with no bathroom breaks. The screwballs at the pulpits of Mega Churches all over Amerika have made their god out to be a total ego maniac. I can think of better things to do in heaven... being weightless and all... outside the constraints of time and space... I was hoping that I'd be able to dance and create music... maybe help figure out how to cure some of the diseases back on earth in my spare time outside time and space, of course. "Heaven" would be an active place, where we "make things"--like music, love, and art. A joyful eternally--in my unevangelical mind--is like a Demerol high where we spend the days doing good, making love, reconcilling with friends; not putting on a hospital gown and strummin' "What a Friend we have in Jesus" on a small lyre.

Some say that heaven is what you make it. Now that is more like it. I'll agree to spend some time in thanks and praise of the Lord if that is so... but not if I'm looking at spending eternity "in the basement," waist deep in boiling feces for running out of things to say "thank you" for. I'm not that much of an ego maniac. I would have to think pretty darn highly of myself to spend eternity thanking someone else for me, especially when there are so many other people who deserve help and intervention right now. Besides, just like EVERYONE else on Earth, there are parts of me that I am less than thankful for...parts that I hope are still under warranty when I get "up there."

If this god needs so much praise, why didn't he just cut to the chase and create us on our knees bowing down to him in the first place? Does god get a kick out of scaring the shit out of his creatures on earth with all sorts of disasters, diseases, and evil people like the Bush family who spend the majority of their waking hours making other people's lives hell while demanding their undying loyalty in heaven simply for not putting them through more hell? Quite frankly, I am not at all amused by these so-called "acts of God." What good is love and praise if they are really only fear masking itself? Surely an omnipotent god can tell the difference?

Why did god give some people brains and some not? Why do some people have the curse of critical thinking while others have the gift of ignorant bliss? Is this some sort of cruel versions of chicken? Does the lord in heaven get a burst of adrenalin when he sees perfectly sane people go bonkers when his faithful ignorami in bliss try to pass off some inane idea as sound doctrine?

If god is indeed a sovereign, then why do we even need world leaders? Why do we need clergy? Why doesn't He just come clean, come forward, come down here and rule the earth so that there are no questions as to how we are supposed to act? He could do individual smites with an explanation. That would make sense.

Here's another question: If God is all-knowing, then why did She/He create science and at the same time also create people who are too dense to learn it and comprehend it? He left it out of the bible. You would think that God would have at least given early humanoids some grasp of it.

Silly me. I am applying human qualities to god. God isn't human. It's just ridiculous to claim to think that god and I share the same type of logic and ideas about justice. It's God we're talking about. Not some mere mortal. He has his reasons for being so so playful with the emotions that he installed in his fragile creatures. Who the hell am I to even question his motives. Silly silly me. God can do whatever the hell he wants and bless us or fuck us over as much as he desires. He's God. He can just go on and keeping us guessing what sins that last hurricane were for.

Maybe one day when people stop sinning so much, god will cease to "act" upon us and we won't have to worry about the insurance company telling us that they won't pay for punishments issued by god. Then we humans can destroy the earth in his holy name based on some closeted guy's interpretation of the scriptures and then everything will be ok and the good people will be whisked away to heaven, naked and unashamed, willing to worship god for all eternity and not have to deal with that pesky 'free will' crap that was a bane to them when they were on earth.